If Edward Were Gay
by xxSifu Hotmanxx
Summary: Edward is your perfectly average, happy-go-lucky, ADD-impaired... Gay guy? Alright... Too bad his best friend, one Ms. Bella Swan, seems to be falling for him. AU, all human, eventual B/E. Rating for language. Inspired by the song "If You Were Gay."
1. In Which Edward Is Gay

If Edward Were Gay…

**Chapter One:** In Which Edward Is Gay…

Disclaimer – I don't own any of the characters you recognize from _Twilight_… Or don't recognize, depending on how badly I've contorted their personalities… They all belong to Stephenie Meyer… Nor do I own any of the book/movie references I am bound to be making… Hm… I don't own anything that belongs to people that are not me! There! And as I am a minor, I own nothing! Mwahahaha! On with the story, then… I enjoy ellipses…

Edward's POV

Edward resisted the urge to wolf-whistle as that Adonis in disguise sauntered past. Resisted, because his Gay-dar was rather on the brink as of late. There had been that one incident with the blond… And the alcoholic redhead… Although, to be fair, the last one wasn't his fault! Seriously, who the hell wore _leather pants_ to a gay bar without looking to pick up a few?! No, that one had definitely been bent… Pity he'd been in denial.

Edward's attention was snapped back to the retreating figure in front of him. And a fine bird he was, too, all decked out in black denim glory. Unfortunately, Edward's attention remained fixated on him just long enough to see the long-haired bastard throw a saucy wink at a pretty – female, dammit – brunette. At that point in time, said attention promptly turned up its metaphorical nose in disgust and scurried off, not to be seen again for longer than Edward would've thought –

SLAP!

"That was completely uncalled for," he groused, rubbing his smarting cheek where his companion's palm had left a reddening mark.

"Hardly," replied his brown-haired partner archly, sipping her Jamoca Shake, "You were lost in the land of mental monologue. I've been trying to get your attention for the past minute."

Edward waited for her to continue. When nothing seemed forthcoming, he prompted, "Bella! Something you wanted to tell me?"

Bella gave a rather fake start, chocolate brown eyes widening comically, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't notice you were trying to hold a conversation with me! How was I to realize I'd been ignoring you?! I was lost in thought! Y'know, it being unfamiliar territory, and all…"

Edward tuned out his companion's irate diatribe, wondering vaguely if she was PMSing… Damn, women were such a pain. Really, how did people wonder at his partiality for males? They were a damn sight easier to get along with, at any rate. No wonder the suicide rates among married men were higher than among bachelors. Who could blame them?

"… And I'm having an illicit affair with your father which, despite precautionary measures, has resulted in my pregnancy." Bella took a deep breath, "Edward, I'm giving birth to your half-sister."

Edward paused a moment as his mind struggled to comprehend this disclosure. It failed. Aforementioned information was sent back to his brain several times for reprocessing before it finally registered and caused the bronze-haired youth to explode with a rather loud and extensive collection ob obscenities not bearing repeating and causing quite a few scandalized looks to be thrown in their direction.

The girl in front of him smiled behind her Starbucks cup, "Oh relax, I had to get your attention somehow."

"And was it necessary to give me a heart attack in the process?!" shrieked Edward in a very, ah, manly fashion.

Bella appeared to contemplate for a moment, "Yes, actually, yes it was."

The green-eyed individual in front of her heaved a long-suffering sigh, "And do you feel at all compelled to share whatever it was you found so urgent a minute ago?" he asked with much the same tone one would use for a particularly slow child.

Bella spoke around the straw still clasped firmly in her mouth, "I'm sure I would, but I seem to have forgotten."

Edward Cullen groaned.

A/N – So! That's the prologue. This is actually a fic written as a gag for a friend of mine, so blame her for the stupidity you have just read – it was between this and Carlisle/Esme fluff… *Shudders*. Thus, we have this story, wherein Edward's an ADD-impaired gay guy, Bella's a nag, insanity abounds, and everyone is so out of character as to be completely unrecognizable. Other than that, just the usual; flames will be used for roasting marshmallows, and reviews are _my_ brand of heroin. *Winces looking at word count* And hopefully the next chapter will be longer. Ta!


	2. In Which Bella Cackles Evilly

If Edward Were Gay…**Chapter Two:** In Which Bella Cackles Evilly…

Disclaimer – If I owned _Twilight_… The werewolves would star… Bella Swan would not exist… Or, perhaps, she'd simply grow a spine… Hm… And as long as I'm at it, Edward would gain a personality, and would not, in fact, be a 2D character whom the authoress is attempting to portray as the epitome of perfection… Still lovin' the ellipses… Also, _no one_ would have the name Renesmeé. Ever. That's just cruel. And the love interest of the main character would not be her stalker… So, now that I've gotten most of my darling readers to hate me, on with the story!

Bella's POV

_My mother is insane_, Bella Swan realized. She should have figured it out years ago, really. There had been so many signs! It should have at least dawned on her when she found herself shoved out of a low-flying jet with a parachute strapped to her back and any information she may have gathered from the two-week guidance program rapidly draining from her panicking brain. She shuddered. Perhaps some part of her had always know, she mused, glaring at the offending… _Thing_… on her bed, lying innocently – Ha!- alongside the note that had arrived with it. Regardless, her mother's sanity – or lack thereof – could no longer be denied.

The distinctive sound a car chugging up the driveway reached her ears. _Charlie's home_, she thought absently. Suddenly, she came alert.

_Charlie's home!_

Bella sprang into action. Reluctantly, she grabbed the edge of the offending item, and, touching it as little as possible, shoved it deep into the far recesses of her closet, hopefully never to be seen again.

Hope, as it turned out… Well, sometimes it's just better to be pessimistic.

"I am a pessimist," Edward announced.

"… Okay?" Bella sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Dare I ask?"

"You may." The teen lapsed into silence for several moments. Upon recovering from a rather painful elbow in the ribs – "Bella!" – he elaborated, after a laughably pathetic attempt at a haughty sniff, "You may ask. I need not answer."

The responding glare she leveled at him could have reversed a group of stampeding rhino and most certainly had the desired effect of her friend abandoning his faux-aristocratic pretenses.

"See, as a pessimist, I'm either proven right, or… Pleasantly surprised!"

In the pause that ensued, one could faintly hear the incessant chirping of crickets. Bella moved to close the windows.

And then there was silence.

"… Moving along, then," Bella began awkwardly, "Er, how are things on the relationship front?" she asked, settling upon a topic she was certain would produce a steady stream of chatter from her companion.

"You know, 'relationship' is a bit of a misnomer, really," Edward spoke off-handedly. The girl beside him rolled her eyes.

"Fine, how's the latest fling?" It was absolutely no secret that Edward hadn't had a steady relationship since, well, ever. He said he was just waiting for the right person to come along. Bella thought he was just looking to get some.

"Broke it off 'bout two weeks ago," Edward replied, the only indicator of his thoughts his refusal to meet her eyes. Bella choked a bit on her coffee.

"What?! He got too clingy!" Edward continued defensively, hands up in the universal gesture for peace.

Brown eyes narrowed. Green eyes… Well, green eyes were hidden behind a pair of pale hands in an almost protective fashion.

"Edward, you can't keep ditching guys like this! It's… It's… You're using them!" She ignored the indignant sputter of 'For _what_?!' next to her. How should she know? He needed to answer that. Hurricane Bella raged on long past the point in time she became aware that Edward, unable to respond to her accusations coherently – due in no small part to the fact that she had the lung capacity of a hippo, and no desire to allow him to get a word in edgewise – had lost himself in his Own Little World™, one happily devoid of masquerading banshee who just didn't know when to drop a subject.

Nonetheless, it gave her no small pleasure to rant to Edward's – albeit unresponsive – face on the matter, which had been eating at her for some time.

Finally, she sighed. Might as well get him back now.

"So, Carlisle and I were thinking of the name _Renesmeé_, if it's a girl. It has a nice ring to it." Bella stopped to look at Edward, deciding to play nice and attempt to leave her friend's already questionable mental health hitherto intact. Edward, however, was still staring at her with glassy eyes. Well, she'd tried to cut him a break. Time to bring out the big guns, then.

"It would be Renée, obviously, after Mom, and Esme after, well, you know…" Bella paused again. One last chance, perhaps? However, one glance told her it was not to be. Too bad. It was with a great deal of effort she was able to refrain from rubbing her palms together gleefully as she delivered a final verbal bullet to Edward's sensibilities.

"We – that is, Carlisle and I – well, we really love her, and we want her to forgive us… Maybe even join us." Bella was rewarded by a rather disturbing – Or perhaps disturbed? – shade of green creeping into Edward's face. It was probably the only shade of the color that didn't compliment his eyes, she found herself thinking. She blinked and chose to ignore that thought, allowing her eyes to drift to her best friend's unmistakably nauseous visage as distraction.

Quite an adequate distraction, it seemed. The normally pale skin had first turned even more sallow then usually, and now seemed to be pushing the boundaries of the number of tones human flesh can take. In the time Bella had been watching, it had cycled through tomato red, the aforementioned green, an odd sort of grey, and a puce that made her wonder if her dear comrade was in danger of asphyxiation. And somewhere inside, she cackled evilly.

"Bella Swan," Edward croaked as soon as he was able to speak, "You are an evil, evil, being."

The internal cackling grew louder.

"Aren't I?"

A/N – The last part was completely unnecessary, but in my defense, it was just so much fun to write! _Ahem_. Er, my excuse it that it shows their dynamic. Yeah, that'll do. Alrighty, then. In this chapter, boys and girls, we learn that Bella is sadistic, Renée is still odd, Edward isn't the only one with sanity issues, and that you really should have clicked the back button while you could. Oh yeah, and Eddie-kin-poo had relationship issues and, according to Bella, pretty eyes. Even though she wouldn't admit it under torture. And thank you all so, so, so very much for your reviews and alerts! It is so great to log on and see that – the biggest ego boost I've gotten in a while! On a completely unrelated note, has anyone noticed how many Harry Potter/Edward Cullen slash stories there are? What the heck? Well, ta for now!


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